X-Rated Elf

Friday, August 21, 2009

Question

I'd like to attempt to carve my own toy out of wood. The problem is I've no idea what sort of finish to use. I understand that some are poisonous and should not be inserted into the body. But can you advise me a finish that is natural, non-toxic, and durable? Does one exist? If not please let me know because I certainly don't want to be messing with anything dangerous. Any advice you can offer would be much appreciated.

Answer

Dildos have been made out of wood for millions of years. Semiprecious stones, horn or antler, clay, leather, and many other substances have been used for this purpose as well. I always get a giggle out of prehistoric artifacts that seem clearly intended for insertion. Somehow, they never get labeled as sex toys.

There are a couple of technical problems with wood, insertable toys. One is that wood is not a flexible substance. So I might choose to make it a little smaller than a toy I know I like that's made out of latex or squishy plastic and has some "give" to it. Another issue is that it needs to be smooth; no slivers, please! But you can take care of this with sanding.

When it comes to finishing the toy, you could definitely use the same food-grade oils that are recommended for seasoning cutting boards in kitchens. But this might not give it a glossy finish, so you may need to use a dildo like that with a condom, to make it slide in smoothly. Consult a professional at a hardware store about finishes that are safe to use on cribs. These are used because babies have a tendency to chew on everything. So these products would also be safe for a dildo, I believe.

Using a water-based polyurethane would also probably be okay, if you were going to cover the dildo with a condom. This would prevent the lacquer from making contact with a mucous membrane that might absorb harmful chemicals. I would recommend using a condom with a wood toy anyway because sex fluids might change the color of the wood, and it is a porous substance that might provide a surface for microbial growth. Good luck to you in your craft project. Was this your idea, or Santa's? Or Mrs. Santa's?

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