You Big Shithead

Friday, July 09, 2010

Question

My wife keeps my cock locked up almost 24/7. Most of the time, she demands that I lick and finger her and I happily obey. When she lets my cock out to play, I must always please her and not come until I can pull out and come in a cup; she then makes me swallow my own come. This is all exciting to me, and I love that she has total say on what I can and can’t, must and mustn’t do.

She’s started to tell me that she wants to shit on my face. This makes me a little nervous, not just because I think I’ll vomit, but also for hygienic reasons. At the same time, I really want to serve my mistress. I’m completely clueless about this side of things. Do you have any information you can share about how to do this safely and successfully?

Burton

Answer

Lyba Spring from Toronto Public Health, who generously and unflappably assists me with all unique matters related to “the area,” had a chat with a nurse in her office about ingesting crap. The nurse said, “He would literally smell like shit all day because it would escape through the pores as well as be on the breath.”

This means if vomiting is truly a concern of yours, you will have to consider it as a possibility not just in the moment but for some time afterwards as well. Let’s also remember that throwing up when lying face up is both unpleasant and dangerous.

Lingering fecal odour and a potential John Bonham-​style death aside, given that many bacteria can live in shit (shigella, campylobacter, salmonella and E. coli) and that the viruses hepatitis A and E can be passed on through fecal matter, it does seem wise to avoid getting it in any orifices on your face. This would include your eyes, nose or any open cuts you may have.

A possible compromise might be having her pinch off a loaf on your chest with your head turned to the side. But as Lyba says, “In the world of kink I understand that there needs to be some negotiation about what one is willing to do. Is the possibility of vomiting a deal-​breaker for him?”

For those of us who take an interest in shit as more of a non-sexual pleasure, I’d like to share these sensible yet inspired words from about.com: “An ideal bowel movement is medium brown, the colour of plain cardboard. It leaves the body easily with no straining or discomfort. It should have the consistency of toothpaste, and be approximately 4-​ to 8-​inches long. Stool should enter the water smoothly and slowly fall once it reaches the water. There should be little gas or odour.”

And here’s a kinda cute website: http://heptune.com/poop.html.