How to Talk About Masturbation with a Partner

Bringing up the topic of masturbation with your partner can be touchy (pun intended), to say the least. It’s a subject that evokes strong emotions, confusion, or discomfort in some, and that’s okay! Still, it’s an important conversation for many to have. 

Should I Tell My Partner I Masturbate? 

Some people may be ashamed of their masturbation while in a partnered relationship. Others may feel the need to hide it out of fear that their partner will grow insecure about their ability to pleasure you. Maybe your partner doesn’t understand why you masturbate, or they don’t want you to. 

On the other hand, your partner may be totally supportive of masturbating while in a relationship! This can lead to discussions about what you’ve learned about your body through solo play, improved communication about when you want to have solo vs. partnered sex, and can generally bring you closer together.  

At the end of the day, your body is your own, and what you do with it is up to you. No one should shame you for that! Masturbation is perfectly normal and can be part of a healthy, happy sex life. 

So no — you don’t have to disclose your solo play habits to your partner. It’s totally up to you. At the same time, the conversation may naturally come up. In this case, honesty is usually the best way to move forward. 

If you do choose to initiate or participate in this conversation, it’s helpful to have some tools in your belt. So here are some ideas on how to discuss masturbation with your partner. 

Speak From the “I”

Before diving into any sensitive conversation, it’s crucial to be mindful of your words. Remember that you are showing up to the discussion as individuals and can only speak for yourself. It’s easy to make broad declarations like, “It shouldn’t bother you when I masturbate,” when having conversations like this. However, these statements can come across as an attack. 

Instead, try speaking from the “I.” Beginning your statements with “I feel…,” “I think…,” or other variations of that helps center your perspective on the situation rather than your partner’s wrongdoing. For example, rewording your sentence as “I think masturbation is a healthy part of our relationship” is much more approachable than the alternative. 

Point Out the Differences Between Solo and Partnered Play

Try explaining to your partner that you don’t view solo play as a replacement for them. In the same way that a suction vibrator isn’t trying to replicate genitals, masturbation doesn’t have to replicate partnered sex. And still, both can be great and completely healthy! 

In fact, the more you explore your own body, the more you learn how you like to be touched, which of your erogenous zones are most sensitive, and what kinds of play are/aren’t for you. Sharing this with your partner can help them understand how to pleasure you better, leading to more fun, satisfying sex. 

Let Them Know Why Solo Play Is Important to You

Solo play can increase your confidence, help you learn your likes and dislikes, and be a great way to enjoy some “me” time. Plus, it can simply be a source of pleasure— which is as important as any other reason. 

Let your partner know what you love about solo play. Is it spending time with yourself? Does it give you some stress relief? Do you love making yourself feel good? 

Maybe you prefer masturbation over partnered sex when you’ve had a long day at work or when you aren’t feeling comfortable in your body. 

No matter what it is, tell them why it’s important to you! 

Ask Your Partner Why Masturbation Makes Them Uncomfortable

If your partner is really opposed to your solo play, there’s probably a reason why. So ask them! 

Their feelings could stem from insecurity, jealousy, or misunderstanding, among other reasons. Hold space for them to explain their discomfort and aim to be as compassionate as possible since this can evoke a lot of vulnerability.

Your partner may need reassurance that they still sexually satisfy you, or that you still desire them (if this is not true, have a conversation about that), or clarification about why solo play is important to you. These conversations can be particularly eye-opening if solo play isn’t a significant role in your partner’s life. 

What If My Partner Really Doesn’t Want Me to Masturbate? 

Mutual respect is a crucial aspect of any relationship. Remember, your partner can’t control whether or not you engage in solo play, but you also can’t control their feelings towards it. 

When you sit down to talk to your partner, show respect for their needs and boundaries and your own. Then, you may be able to reach common ground and understanding that feels right for both of you. 

However, it’s important to notice their intentions. Does this problem feel rooted in vulnerability or a desire to control you? If it’s the latter, this may be a sign of a much deeper issue. 

Finally, if you and your partner can’t make any progress or compromises on this issue, consider that you may not be compatible — and that’s okay. If solo play is an essential part of your life, you don’t have to sacrifice that for anyone. 

Final Thoughts

Masturbation can be part of any healthy relationship and is by no means a “bad” activity. If your partner has concerns or insecurities regarding solo play, try to be compassionate with them and explain why it’s an essential aspect of your sex life. Then, aim to move forward in a way that’s mutually respectful of each others’ needs and boundaries.