Erotic Dominance Dos and Don'ts

The power, the control, the surrender...so many sexy possibilities when you play with erotic power exchange. Erotic power exchange is a common kinky fantasy and a popular entry point into the world of BDSM. Unfortunately, most of us don't have the skills, knowledge or communication ability to explore and articulate what exactly our pleasure in power exchange looks and feels like. 

You'll have your own brand or flavour of kinky dominance, but there are general do's and don'ts that make all our experiences safer emotionally and physically. 

1. Don’t default to ‘mean’ as the only form of dominance. If both of you enjoy an angry, cruel, cold feels - then awesome! If only one of you does...then not so awesome. Sometimes Dominants default to ‘mean’ because it’s all we know as social and interpersonal dominance  - the aggression, bullying and coldness might be the only experiences we think to draw on where we have had experiences with power outside the bedroom. 
   
   Dominants can also be nurturing, sensual, romantic, firm, funny, silly, etc. Think less about playing a role and instead about arousing an exchange of power based on how you want to feel and how you want your submissive to feel.
   
   
2. Do understand the limits of your dominance. Domming doesn't mean you get to do whatever you want. BDSM is play, which means that we create for mutual enjoyment. Mutual enjoyment doesn’t mean that all pleasure is defined in an identical way. What's selfish outside of an erotic context might be super sexy or super unsexy in an erotic context. you need to figure out what selfish is going to inspire you and your submissive to feel, and whether or not that is erotic for both of you. 
   
   Erotic and consensual don't mean that everything is rosey and romantic - it means that you understand what someone's pleasure looks like (e.g. laughing, helplessness, fear, bum wiggles, moans, screams, begging).
   
   
3. Don’t pretend to know what’s good for your submissives. Ask them instead. Your most helpful dominance skills are communication and empathy. It’s not helpful to either of you to assume your submissive has no skills or ability to articulate what they want. That isn’t ‘topping from the bottom’, it’s sharing in co-developing the experience that benefits you both - even if it’s in different ways. 
   
   Invite your submissive to tell you more about their fantasies, their bodies, their erotic minds, their previous experiences. Give them permission to show you what they need and how they need it - use this information to intentionally create scenes that leverage the knowledge they’ve shared and the skills they possess.
   
   
4. Do encourage your submissive to co-create scenes with you. It’s a lot of pressure to come up with and produce a BDSM scene. While kink is infinitely creative, sometimes dominants run out of ideas, don’t feel inspired or struggle to engage their erotic imagination. Encourage submissives to contribute. Ask them to come up with rewards, punishments, activities and then you choose from the list what you’ll orchestrate.  Brainstorm together, tease each other with ideas and fantasies. Share porn and erotica to inspire each other. Take a class together and learn a new kinky skill together like impact play or rope bondage.
   
   
5. Don’t assume dominance means rough sex. Dominance can take many shapes and forms, and the beauty of BDSM is that your imagination can take you to erotica mental spaces as well as physical. Dominance can be sexual, non-sexual or a combination of both. Just because someone likes to be spanked, doesn’t mean they want to be pinned down during sex. Just because someone likes their hair pulled, doesn’t mean they want to be humiliated. Ask questions, be curious and encourage submissives to tell you a story about their fantasies instead of just the kinky activities they want to do.
   
   
6. Do explore other erotic inputs other than porn. Porn is awesome, but it’s performance. Consider it one of many places you can get inspired creatively and erotically for your dominance. Here are a couple others:
   Read erotica
   Fetlife is full of people showing off and sharing their own kinky lives
   Take a class - dominance is a skill, like all sexy things
   Look to non-sexual dominant characters from history, politics, fantasy, movies and zero in on what is it about their characters that show different archetypes of dominance. For example, Cruella De Ville vs. Athena  vs. Thor
   
   
7. Don’t absolve yourself of accountability because “the submissive asked for it”. Whether you’re with someone for one night or 10 thousand nights, you want to create scenes where co-responsibility is practiced.  Be aware and talk about the risks being taken by both of you and if there’s anything in place to mitigate them. This includes the risk of being the dominant and what potential harm you can cause.  This includes miscommunication. This includes making mistakes. This includes aftercare. Then, act accordingly and be sure to check in a few days later with each other even if it was a casual thing.
   
   
8. Don’t use phrases like ‘real doms do this’ or ‘real subs do this’. Submissives and dominants aren’t following a particular bible of BDSM, what one sub likes, another may hate. What one dominant likes, another may be bored by it. The danger of blanket statements is that people often use them as excuses to block potential pleasure. Doms don’t get to blanket opt out of something a submissive wants because they have labeled it un-dom-like. For example, ‘Doms don’t eat pussy’, if you want to eat pussy and your sub wants you to eat pussy, eat pussy. It’ll be dominant because you’re doing it, not because it’s pussy eating.
   
   
9. Don't assume consent. Doms don’t have a right to dominance. Just because someone identifies as submissive doesn’t mean you get to be their dominant.  Doms don't get to be doms without negotiating what feels emotionally and physically safe for the submissive. Power exchange is a negotiation, not an entitlement.
   
   
10. Don’t worry if you’re not the more experienced one.  Each time we co-create a power exchange is different. There’s something new to learn with each partner, scene and within ourselves. Discuss your experience levels, do some kinky research on techniques or inspiration, take a class, and go slow. Treat inexperience as an opportunity for curiosity, be open to feelings of unconfidence or awkwardness as part of the learning process.
    
    
11. Don't opt out of safety talks because 'you know what you are doing'. Every body and every mind is different. Put into place the things you both need to sink safely into the scene you’re creating. Safety scissors, safe systems, aftercare plans - just a few of the things that you might need to prepare. Think of the safety talks as foreplay - checking in with both your bodies and minds and what is going to delight it today.
    
    
12. Do honour and communicate your needs too.  Dominants experience physical and emotional vulnerability and intensity during and after kinky things. Your dominance may have moods - maybe you had a long day and you’re not in the mood to be a really active and intense dominant. Honour your mood and communicate with submissives to find creative ways to take your power exchange into new moods. Dominants also need aftercare, clear communication, reassurance through pleasure signals and thoughtful answers to creative prompts.