How do I get started with BDSM?

By Luna Matatas

Bringing BDSM into the bedroom is a delicious way to spice things up! Whether you’re intrigued by bondage, dominance and submission or kinky role play - BDSM is a chance to deepen sensations and get playful in the bedroom. 

BDSM is an acronym for Bondage Dominance/Discipline Sadism/Submission and Masochism. BDSM is full of opportunities to stimulate your erotic imagination! Being on the same page about safety and consent is critical - BDSM requires lots of communication. If someone is ‘experieneced’ in BDSM it doesn’t automatically mean they also have skills in communication, consent and erotic creativity. 

You might be into one style or mood of BDSM and not into another. It’s important you and your partners are on the same page each time you engage in BDSM activities. What you liked on Tuesday could be different from what you feel like or have the energy for on Friday. 

Getting Started with BDSM

Consensual BDSM means both partners are on the same page about what’s going to happen during their BDSM ‘scene’ and are committed to what each person needs in order to feel physically and emotionally safe.. Before you get started, talk about your fantasy:

• What’s your fantasy? How do you want to feel? You might have fantasies of helplessness, kidnapping, worship or adoration etc.
• Are there any parts of the body that are injured, sensitive or off-limits? Are there any feelings or vibes you don’t feel good about? Words have boundaries too - discuss pet names and language.
• What BDSM activities are on or off the menu? 
• How will you communicate? Will you have safe words or use a traffic light system like red, yellow, green to communicate stop, caution and keep going?
• What are non-verbal signs that show pleasure or discomfort? E.g. Do you get really quiet when you’re having a good time? 
• What’s the plan for aftercare? Aftercare is what each person needs to come out of the BDSM scene and back to themselves; ideas include cuddles, massage and de-briefing the experience. Some people may want aftercare immediately after the scene, and other people appreciate aftercare a few hours or even days later.

BDSM Sex Toys

BDSM sex toys are often what peope think about when getting started with kinky fantasies. You can absolutely engage in BDSM without sex toys or kinky gear, but BDSM tools can sometimes help to be a vessel for your kinky energy or be an inspiration for your roleplay. BDSM sex toys are also usually designed to alter sensations in the body.  Sensations can help bring you more in touch with the present moment and get you out of your head. Here are a few BDSM tools to consider:

Blindfolds

Blindfolds tone down one sense and can prompt other senses to heighten as they compensate to try to help you connect with your environment. Blindfolds can be fun on their own or as a part of bondage or sensation play (e.g. using tickler feathers, erotic wax candles or ice cubes). 

Spanking Paddles

Spanking is a form of sado-masochism - it allows you to play with pain and pleasure.  Spanking encourages the release of our feel good chemicals in the body like endorphins and dopamine. Spanking paddles are made of different materials like wood, silicone, vinyl, leather or plastic and come in different shapes - which often can influence the intensity of the impact. Start with vinyl paddles if you’re new to spanking - they make a great sound but don’t hurt that much. Not everywhere on the body is safe for spanking, start with a fleshy part like bums. Learn how to warm up the area with intentional pacing and precision hitting. 

Erotic Wax Candles

Erotic wax play is a type of sensation play. You can use wax play as an activity to create sensations and erotic art on your partner. Think about crafting a sexy scene around wax play candles that builds on sensations, for example wake up the body with a massage and then do some wax play. For safety, use candles designed for erotic wax play - they burn at a lower heat than household candles. Using regular household candles could burn the skin. Wax play can be messy, so be sure to put down a towel!

Ball gags 

Ball gags are silicone or rubber balls attached to a strap that goes into the mouth behind the teeth, propping the mouth open. The visual of ball gags can be sexy and some people use ball gags as an expression of dominance and submission. The size should be comfortable for the wearer and agree head of time on a time limit for how long the gag will be on. Have a non-verbal way of communicating the need to stop or slow things down, like a squeaky object or showing three fingers as a hand signal. 

Bondage and Restraints

Bondage is a super sexy way to bring sensations and dominance and submission (or giving and receiving) into the bedroom. You might be playing out an erotic fantasy or just want to try something new! You can use rope, bondage tape, handcuffs and padded wrist/ankle cuffs. Never leave a bound person alone, agree on a safe system (e.g. safe words) ahead of time, and keep surgical scissors nearby to quickly remove the restraints in an emergency. Bondage tape is a great tool for beginners - it doesn’t stick to hair or skin, it’s cheap and disposable and you can use it for wrist or ankle restraints, as a blindfold or even over the mouth as a gag!

Taking fantasies into reality can be intimidating, so remember there’s no pressure to be the perfect kinky partner - building trust in yourself and with your partner is a great foundation to build from. Go slow, embrace playfulness and communicate throughout - with practice, your erotic creativity and confidence will follow!