Venus Envy Advisory: Solo Kink

Hey Venus Envy,

How do I enjoy some kinky sex if I'm not currently seeing anyone, or my current partners aren’t into kink? Any suggestions + ideas would be appreciated! 

Hey Committed Kinkster,

What a fantastic question! I’m so excited to talk about this because the truth is that kinky stuff is awesome to experience with others, but it can be just as hot and exciting (or maybe even hotter?!) solo!

Basically, anything you can explore with a partner can be explored on your own—you might just need to get a little bit creative, but that’s what sex is all about! When you’re good and ready (e.g. lubed up, hot, feeling safe, feeling yourself—literally and figuratively) you can try all sorts of stuff: Throw on some nipple clamps and enjoy the pressure or grab some with a chain connecting the clamps and do some light tugging on the chain with your hands or your teeth to kick things up a notch.

You could wrap some rope or bondage tape around a body part or two to add a sexy look of restraint, but be careful with this one: make it more of an aesthetic choice than a functional one if you’re alone—especially if you’re home alone or home with people who you do not want to see you trussed up. Your safety is the most important thing at all times, so tie a little looser than you would if you were playing with a partner and never tie your hands/arms together or around your neck or genitals. Instead, if you have breasts that like some action, try some sexy shibari on them or loosely tie some rope up an arm or leg for the sexy bondage look and the sensation of the material on your body—more than enough for your imagination to get running!

You can dim the lights a lot or all the way, maybe light some candles, put on some sex dungeon music—D’Angelo? Gregorian chants?—bend yourself over the side of your bed or a chair (get those knees some support with a towel or pillow if you need), pop your ankles into a spreader bar and use a flogger or paddle on yourself—HOT! Be your own dominatrix! Level up: throw on a ball gag and/or light sash blindfold or one of those eye masks for sleeping and pretend you’re being ordered to whip yourself by your favourite dom or some other kinky scenario of your dreams!

You can experiment with different sensations: pain, heat, or more exotic textures like electricity, tingling and stinging. Have you ever tried a wartenburg wheel? They’re fun, kinky little torture tools that won’t pose any serious risk of injury if you keep a lighter touch. The tiny spikes can create all sorts of interesting, prickly, intensely nuanced sensations if used on yourself over more sensitive spots—think the underarms, inner thighs, scrotum, labia, clit, penis head, neck, etc. If you’d really like to shudder, grab an electro-wand or TENS device and explore the erotic potential of some mild electricity play. Grab some low-temp candles (be sure not to use regular candles!) and drip hot wax all over your body. Use a cane or a flogger with thinly braided leather (vegan options available) to enjoy some stingy, sharp sensations.

Are you more into deprivation? Try putting yourself in a cock ring or chastity device (available for cocks and vulvas) and watching or listening to some of the hottest porn you can find. If you were with a partner, handcuffs could heighten this sort of thing, but if you’re playing solo I strongly advise against this. Instead, you can get even kinkier! Explore edging and other indirect sensation play by having your hands free to roam everywhere EXCEPT your most erogenous zones!

If you’re one of the many people who prefer much lighter kink than what I’ve
suggested so far: Get super hot by throwing on a collar and explore some pet play with a fun buttplug with a tail attached, and grab your favourite stroker or vibrator! Or, throw on your hottest/prettiest lingerie, your sexiest heels if that’s your thing,
and make the atmosphere exactly the right shade of romantic: light some candles, burn some incense, throw on some porn or grab a book of erotica. Then, use some stimulating gels with a tingling sensation on your nipples, cock or clit, a feather tickler on your skin to raise some goosebumps and enter the lusciously sensual boudoir of your dreams.

Finally, remember that aftercare can be the most rewarding, deeply spiritual and/or necessary parts of kink play for most kinksters. Think about what this could look like for you if you’re playing solo. Do you need some emotional support? Maybe ask a partner or trusted friend/fellow kinkster to join a phone call or cuddle session with you after your solo play session and clean-up. Or, develop your own solo aftercare ritual, whatever deepens your spiritual/emotional connection to yourself. Some ideas could be: prayer, meditation, a bubble bath, journalling, dancing, sage-burning or other traditional practice from your community, or any other holistic self-care practice.

Above all: be safe, have fun and go fuck yourself!