Sex in my Asexuality? It’s More Likely than you Think

So you might be wondering: why is an asexual person writing an article about sex? What do they know about sex if they don’t even experience sexual attraction? Do asexuals even have sex? Is it different from what straight, gay, bi, pan people do? Can they reproduce asexually? All very good questions not to ask someone in the street, or when they come out to you as asexual. Luckily, there are asxuals like myself who like to talk about their experience, and are willing to write about it on the internet for strangers to see.

So here’s the deal. Asexuality is a spectrum, and different people have different sexual desires, libidos, or sexual interests. For some, they are absolutely repulsed by the idea of sex, and will never have sex in their lives, and they will be perfectly content in that aspect of their lives. Other aces have sex for romantic reasons, or to feel closer to their partner(s), and it’s easy to see why that is. Sex is a very vulnerable act, and that vulnerability brings people closer together in a way that nothing else can. There’s also the fact that sex is a sensory experience, for better or worse. Sight, smell, hearing, touch, and even taste are all involved in various ways in various sexual activities, and that can be something that people seek, or something that people avoid. Point is, you do not need sexual attraction to have sex.

I am an asexual who enjoys having sex, though I don’t have much for disability reasons. It took me a long time to realize that I was asexual, because I liked sex and had some libido. I always equated aesthetic attraction to sexual attraction, and that made things very confusing. Now, I know that I don’t actually feel sexually attracted to other people. Sex is not something I really think about much in my relationship, but I am open to it, because for me, it’s a pleasurable sensory experience, brings me closer to my partner, and it’s just generally a fun thing to do. For me, and other asexuals, sex is similar in sensory pleasure as having a cookie, or a nice slice of cake. Sex is not a basis for attraction for me, it’s just a fun act that feels nice.

But Veronica, how do asexual people even have sex? Well, there’s lots of ways for anybody to have sex, and asexual people are no different in that aspect. For some, penetrative sex with orgasm as the end goal is what tickles their fancy. In other cases, sex is more about play, and orgasm isn’t necessarily the end goal. There’s also kink which is a really interesting way to bring sex out of something that isn’t inherently sexual, and might appeal more to asexual people than typical sex. Kink can focus more on the sensory experiences of sex, or explore different types of dynamics, and role play scenarios, all of which can enhance the experience, and provide a great place for asexuals to explore sensuality. 

There are loads of ways that asexual people can, and want to, have sex. Sex doesn’t have to be what it is for people who experience sexual attraction. It can be a completely personalized experience tailored to work with asexual people’s wants and needs. If you’re an asexual that wants to have sex for whatever reason, you’re completely valid. There’s a whole world of sexual and sensual experiences for people to enjoy, even if it doesn’t necessarily fit the typical view of what sex is, especially to heterosexual people.